Searching for Answers is not the Answer

If you spend your life being raised in an abusive family that becomes your 'Normal' so to speak. You are accustomed to the yelling, breaking of furniture and dishes, cussing, the beatings, one submissive parent one domineering, and that underlying feeling of something isn't quite right, add a divorce and you almost have the all American family. If you marry at a young age and  don't get the correct counseling beforehand you will walk blindly into another abusive relationship. Possibly you will have children thinking you are doing something wrong and you need to please your husband, just as one of your parents was the peacekeeper. 10 years of your life, loss of all friends, isolation except for 'if' you have a job and if you have a job you are supporting the dictator. Your children are witnesses to violent and inexcusable actions and will never forget what they have seen, again passing on the circle of abuse. If you get the courage to do something about the mistreatment, hopefully the other party's family isn't in the same state. Hopefully they wont aid in the wrongdoings of their child, they will suck up to the fact that their child saw abusive growing up and asked for help in ways that ways other deemed 'a problem child' or 'a bully'. You fail miserably at a marriage, you tear apart all your childhood dreams of prince charming coming to rescue, you destroy the self esteem of your children and yourself. If you do as you should counseling should follow, to make you realize you didn't do anything wrong. An abuser makes you think it is 'all your fault', they are so good at being charismatic and the talk of the town, they turn people against you that wont even give you the chance to explain yourself. Assumptions are made and if you are not careful this will make you a bitter person and you will have no problem closing off all types of human contact. You may get a job bar tending to watch the same drunks come in night after night pouring their horribly mistreated life stories from the world. Leaving behind on the bar the one thing you care about ...money. It pays the rent you are behind on, puts food on the table that you will not eat because you think you are fat... when in all reality ribs and hip bones showing is not fat that is hospital material. If you swear off all relationships one will follow that will be worse than the first, because you didn't go get counseling. You started to but decided you are stronger than all the other people in the room and you don't need help. If you get another job, it may be a job that is in law enforcement so you can help others in your situation. You may try to help others and give great advice that you too need to follow. You may even be struggling with a divorce still taking place, working full time, going to college at night, taking care of your children AND paying child support for them all at the same time. Sometimes the system that is supposed to work is beyond a joke, it reminds you that your nothing more than a social security number. Possibly you may actually live a year on 540 a month with three kids and the only thing that kept you alive was that unexpected person you let into your heart. If you still haven't gotten counseling for being in an abusive relationship your sense of normal is still no where near normal at all. With the same mentality you have had since you can remember all you know to do is please your partner, you miss the signs all of them. Loosing friends again, self esteem bottoming out, not even flinching at the yelling, plates fly by your head while your doing the dishes and you keep on washing. If you had children with this person, not only have you affected on generation but now two with the unhealthily circle of abuse. If you are lucky you will get out eventually, it may take police reports, questions from the one friend you have of 'how did you really get that scar?' and watching your children see you cry will break your heart. If you reach that realization point of, if I don't do something now someone will end up dead in less than 365 days... your heart will pound with fear. Fear of change and the unknown, what if you are making all this up and you are really crazy? What if this, what if that. If you change your mind and think that person will change if you loose weight, clean the house better, make dinner better you will be disappointed. You loose a child, they are unhappy and you can see it so you talk to the first offender and decide the better of two evils is for that child to be with them. Your heart breaks but you still don't get your stuff together. If you have special needs children that is another distraction to keep you going every single day, they keep you from dealing with your problems and focused on theirs. You see a brilliant mind, a wide eyed handsome child that has all the potential in the world called 'stupid', kicked under the dinner table and beat with the belt. They watch you cry at the dinner table, if your upset at yourself for crying and if you have an ounce of compassion in your heart you start to see something isn't right. One child was bullied out and now another, and then if you have a daughter she will be put down every single day just like you. Because she is your twin, she is stronger than she realizes but doesn't apply it, she is scared. She has grown up too fast and seen to much, she wants to protect all her brothers but she can't and she is torn. If you loose her too and she lives with her grandmother because she knows what goes on at the first perps  house and it isn't any better than your house she has made a step in the right direction. If you are isolated completely from everyone around you, know the control is complete. You will not care what you look like, you function on the auto button you focus once again on your children. You know your older children hate you, you cry yourself to sleep feeling the empty space that will never be replaced until they are back in your life again. You see the fear in your younger children's eyes when a booming voice comes home, and nothing you do is correct and the whole world is out to get them. If you hold your baby and rock them 'ssshhhhhh mommy loves you, everything is going to be ok', if your baby is asking you why? Searching for the answer isn't the answer, getting yourself out of that situation no matter how scared you are.... that is the SOLUTION. No looking back, no more what ifs, and going to counseling for victims of domestic violence will be the best thing you ever did for your children and yourself. If you ask for forgiveness and every single day wake up and tell yourself "I am a good person but I am not perfect but that is ok" life will seem so much better and easier. And 'if' you are me and this is my story, you will still fall just like I do but I get right back up and brush my ass off. I've been judged, criticized, analyzed, talked about, blamed, hated, and for a brief moment loved. I fell in love six times, the love of my life was laid on my chest and looked deep into my eyes with awe and wonder, curiosity and amazement. I will never forget each time my children were laid on me for the first time, and they are my solution I live everyday for them. I must show my children I am a strong woman that can overcome life's difficulties, keep my head above water and maybe someday  hold their children. Domestic violence is a vicious circle everyone should share their story so it isn't a secret anymore, how many more people must die because the closet is full of skeletons? Teach others that their is a normal that really is normal, not what is perceived by that person as normal but real life that involves friendships not isolation, compliments not insults, disagreements not fights, love and war but not punishment and always forgiveness. Stop turning your head and looking the other way, help someone or if it applies to whomevver is reading this.... help yourself.